Help me take a load off

I have had a very bad couple of days. If I have any followers, it’s probably looked like something’s been building the past few weeks. Your intuition would be correct. And it exploded all over my life on Tuesday.

The next 48 hours went about as I expected. I dealt by not. I made best friends with the bottom of a bottle of vodka/wine/whatever I could get my mitts on. The haze was peppered with moments of reflection, but they hurt me, so I shook them away.

And now I’ve made it to Friday, skidding through this week with rug burnt knees and a nasty cough from smoking too many cigarettes. I’m still pretty miserable, but I am beginning to feel the slightest inkling of relief. I just have to remember: In my heart, I know I made the right decision. It provides little comfort, but it’s something. I never want to be the source of that much pain for anyone, let alone someone I care so deeply for. It’s a worse feeling than all the guilt, despair and hunger in the world. But it was necessary, so necessary. It just wasn’t working and I wasn’t happy anymore…

I’m staying with my parents right now, until I can find a place to live. They just left for  a week long vacation, and as I kissed them goodbye with well wishes, I felt this cold empty feeling expanding in my gut. I almost panicked because I know that feeling; I’ve had it before. I’d been running and running this whole week to avoid that inevitable weight. Try as I might to resist, it was flooding my heart, and I finally had to address it. So I poured a glass of wine and sat down to write you, my gentle readers (all 4 of you lol).

I am afraid of being alone. I know sometimes it’s necessary and beneficial, but it’s very scary. I used to always say I was a textbook introvert, content with myself and my daydreams of pretty lights and dancing. Alone in my own head, my own world of everlong idealism. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve somehow adapted to an extroverted world. I guess, right now, it’s a defense mechanism. But I don’t want to be left alone to my own thoughts, I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to sit down and have a heart to heart with myself. To ask and really discover, what is it that I want? Out of a relationship; more importantly, out of my life, my future?? I know I want something big, something outside of my comfort zone. But it feels so far away and yet so close at the same time. And it’s simultaneously frustrating and terrifying. I feel poised, ready to jump. But then the pool is empty, and I come so close to the edge that I have to swing my arms rapidly to keep from falling….

My logical side tells me that this too shall pass. This is part of being an adult. It’s the shitty parts of your life that really make you grow as a person. That’s not really comforting either, but at least it’s something.

Thanks for listening, Internet. Happy Friday:

Current Jam: “Melt Your Heart” Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins

Nothing is ever as good as it was
And what’s good for your soul
Will be bad on your nerves if you reverse it

It’s bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It’s bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It’s like a valentine
From your mother
It’s bound to melt your heart

And we’ve lost the people we could have loved, and you…
What you know you have or what you think you aren’t
It’s never perfect

It’s bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It’s bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It’s like a valentine
From your mother
It’s bound to melt your heart

Are we killing time?
Are we killing each other?

It’s bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It’s bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It’s like a valentine
From your mother
It’s bound to melt your heart

When you’re kissing someone who’s too much like you
It’s like kissing on a mirrir
When you’re sleeping with someone who doesn’t get you
You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning

It’s bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It’s bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It’s like a valentine
From your mother
It’s bound to melt your heart

2 thoughts on “Help me take a load off

  1. IDK that the pool is actually empty. What is required here is, maybe, an leap of faith. L’audace, encore l’audace, toujours l’audace…

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