Yes. Yes I am.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about relationships. What they give you, what you give them. What you get out of them, in the end. I mean let’s face it, personal relationships are always on some level selfish. You wouldn’t put forth the energy if you didn’t expect something in return. The best ties are ones of equivalency; of give and take. And then there’s the others: whether toxic or intoxicating, they are not entirely fulfilling. You’re always left with some kind of… hole.
This year… oh this year… has been a difficult one. A lot has happened, a lot has yet to transpire. I’ve stumbled along, doing my best, all the while intently searching for some kind of guidance. I craved it. But for probably the first time in my life, I felt that all I really had was my heart. I had to hush all the internal/external banter, and just trust my instinct. This sounds so cheesy, but it’s true. It was so hard, and I’m still struggling. I suffered a severe destabilization of confidence. I coasted on the inflated idea of a grown, self-reliant, funny and generally awesome vision of L’s, until reality swooped in hard and fast. The rug was pulled from beneath me and for a long while I felt like a teenager again, angsty and full of shame over my weaknesses and mistakes. mindfuck.
At this point, It’s a work in progress. I’m recovering thusly: by evaluating the most important people to me, and why my relationship with them has a profound/beautiful effect on my life. And I’m fusing all those fuzzy feelings together to decipher, not only what I want out of a romantic relationship, but to discover some deeper level of myself and how I want to live my life. It’s the search for my manifesto. So far I’ve got about this much: It’s the warmth you get from just talking to them, being with them. How they make you feel so good that you want to make them feel good in return, out of nothing but utter gratitude. Those…. equivalent connections. Harmonious alliances.
Good start, je pense.
“He said really I just wanna dance / good and evil match perfect it’s a great romance”
Current Jam: “A fond farewell” Elliot Smith