Quirk #4/5

4) It’s a sobering thing when, as a woman, you look in the mirror one morning and realize your breasts just aren’t as perky as they once were. *sigh*

5) I don’t understand people who stand still on moving walkways. Especially when they stand still on both sides. What I mean to say is, they’re rude and I hate them.

Quote of the day: “all of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies” -Bokonon

TPS Reports.

We have a ….colorful cast of characters at my job… allow me to introduce Harold.

Harold was on my old team in non-injury before I moved over to medical. He’s an elderly gentleman, bald and thin with thick glasses. I think he’s half deaf… and he kinda looks like a turtle. He’s a nice guy, but he tends to come across as a super creepster, especially with young women. He’s friends with a lot of the women who work here. When I first met him he would talk about happy hours with the girls at Chili’s, and how they would have a grand ol’ time just people watching. It seemed pretty normal to me at the time, because honestly? I thought he was gay… but he’s not. Is it weird that he appears to prefer blondes?… Anyways, a couple of anecdotes about Harold:

1) My desk mate, Joe, was approaching the sink in the men’s bathroom to wash his hands. Harold was already posted up… and then Joe watched as Harold took his teeth out and put them on the counter. The wet counter. *shudder*

2) We had a new member on our team, yet another young, bubbly blonde named Rachel. She mentioned once that she had never been to a local football game, so Harold graciously invited her to on the following Saturday since he had season tickets. After conferencing with us, she decided it was harmless. And it was… until he picked her up and presented her with a new T-shirt and bracelet… and later when he surreptitiously payed her tab at another game day store while she was still shopping… He said that he “wanted to make her first game special”… All this was awkward, but the cherry on that sundae came a couple weeks later…

We were out at a team lunch at a tex mex place, and Rachel was declaring her love for guacamole. Innocently, unassuming. When she came in the next morning… there was an avocado ominously placed by her mouse pad… My new favorite joke is to leave her presents will silly, creepy notes on them. heh heh heh… office shenans.

Current Jam: “Dynamite” The Roots

Flaws

Yup, we all got ’em. I’m a work in progress.

1) I’m impatient: that whole delayed gratification thing? I’m not so good at that. I used to have a serious sweet tooth. For some inexplicable reason my cravings steadily, almost imperceptively, decreased over the years. I suspect it’s directly correlated to my ongoing battle to keep those things out of my kitchen. Because in the past I have been known to binge like cray-cray on ice cream, cake, candy, whatever you name it. So today happened: Halloween approaches, and it’s no secret that the company I work for appeases its employees with calories. I received a goodie bag of chocolate covered oreos and pretzels… I was kind of hungry… it was about time for my mid-morning snack anyway… and I hadn’t had chocolate in a whilllleee…. so what did this smart cookie do? I ate like 4 of them, 1 right after the other. delicious. Until about 30 minutes later when I made myself so nauseous I had to sneak to the bathroom and vomit it all up. Smart, smart cookie. Yep, that’s me.

2) I have passive-aggressive tendencies: In a perfect world I would be oh so laid back. Oh, you used the rest of the coffee mate and didn’t buy more? No biggie, it’s coo’. You invite me to hang out, and then when I show up you’re with your new boo, and you’re kind of ignoring me because you’re in that puppy love phase? Whatevs, I’m happy for you! And 75% of the time, I really don’t mind. Here’s the rub: Those minor annoyances end up building and building until I. am. PISSED. And then I, regrettably, lash out over some minuscule thing, that didn’t bother me the first 50 times.

See, I forget that people can’t read my mind. And that they can’t (or don’t want) to read my body language. I’m trying really hard to find that sweet spot in between; that magical place where I can frankly tell someone what’s on my mind without a) appearing insane and/or a bitch, and b) …..Well, Yeah…..

3) I over analyze A LOT: Like, Everything. I nitpick and nitpick because I can’t get out of my own head. Even worse, the level at which I speculate meaning and intention in others pales in comparison to my own intense introspection. What did that mean? Was it because they misinterpreted what I said?? Or did they??? AM I OVERTHINKING THIS???! This ping pong game of internal banter usually results in a fabrication completely different from what actually transpired. And then I forget that that conversation only happened in my head… Aaand then I reference it later and no one knows what the hell I’m talking about.

4) I can’t throw a football: My hands are too damn small. It’s hard!

Current Jam: “You See Me” Childish Gambino