Epiphanies.

Do you ever find yourself just staring at some random inanimate object, and suddenly it spirals you into an intensely introspective monologue? And when I say monologue, I mean you’re not actually talking to yourself, it’s more just a huge, seemingly unrelated collection of emotions and images that streak through your mind. Because that’s way more efficient than forming the words in your head….

I woke up and looked at the dried bouquet from my best friend’s wedding. That’s what started it for me.

I’m not completely ok yet. I had beaucoup friends over last night, we had a great time, from what I remember… and yet there were moments when I still felt completely alone. I realized this morning, that I’m still learning to be alone without being lonely. No amount of external stimuli can fix that for me. It’s a process. A long process, unfortunately. I guess I could be glass half full and be happy that I recognize it, but let’s be honest, it’s not entirely comforting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

On a somewhat related note, I thought I was in the “He hates my guts” phase before. Not so. We have now entered that vast galaxy, and it’s chock full of turbulence. As I anticipated, it’s making me extremely emotional. It’s hard to hear those things that are felt and thought in the heat of a moment. Regardless of whether they are exaggerated, or straight up untrue (you know, those hateful sentiments that are fabricated in the neverending cloudy, hypersensitive aftermath), they always hurt, shockingly so. You think you’ve managed to separate yourself from those emotions, but they creep up on you. They sting, get beneath the crunchy outer shell… once again, I’m trying to be glass half full. Reminding myself that I may be considered selfish, but in reality I was the very antithesis of that for a very, very long time. And that sometimes, being selfish is the healthiest thing you can do. Because sometimes, you have to be there for yourself, and no one else.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know what, fuck you, Brain. I’m over it. Time for distraction via photography. Best medicine for a hyperactive mind, no?

Current Jam: Genius playlist using “10 things” Paul Baribeau, really fucking good n poignant.

name ten things you wanna do before you die and then go do them.
name ten places you really wanna be before you die and then go to them
name ten books you wanna read before you die and then go read them
name ten songs you wanna hear again before you die, get all of your friends together and scream them

because right now all you have is time time time yeah,
but someday that time will run out.
that’s the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

think of all the things that are wrong with your life and then fix them
think of all the things that you love about your life, be thankful you are blessed with them
think of all the things that hold you back and realize that you don’t need them
think of all the mistakes you have made in your life, make sure that you never repeat them

because right now all you have is time time time yeah,
but someday that time will run out.
that’s the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

name ten thousand reasons why you never wanna die, go and tell someone who might’ve forgotten
try to list the endless reasons why it’s good to be alive, and then just smile for awhile about them

soon the sun will rise and another day will come
soon enough the sun will set, another day will be gone

and right now all you have is time time time yeah,
but someday that time will run out.
that’s the only thing you can be absolutely certain about.

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