Musings/Nausea

That’s right, it’s a tag team type of Friday. Metaphorically scratching my chin, pondering Life’s questions. And I have a stomach ache. I’ve decided to blame this morning’s* massive cup of coffee for both the belly rumblins’ and my general jittery-ness (real word? whatever, it is now)…

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about happiness. That curious state of being, so difficult to quantify or define. From a logical point of view, I feel as though I have all the trappings of a happy life: family, friends, a well-paying job, security, a budding romance, and future plans… and yet I’m constantly surprised by these moments of hollow discontent. I was bombarded on the way home from the gym last night. Incredibly odd timing, since I normally coast on that endorphin high for at least a few hours. My windows down, an upbeat song on the radio, on my way to meet my new boo, and yet there I was, teetering on the brink of a depressive episode. Maybe I should qualify that statement: it’s not as if I was on the verge of a crying jag or anything. Luckily, I was somewhat able to objectively evaluate the swelling emotion, able to contain it much better than I have been able to in the past. I picked it apart as best I could… and then it hit me…. like an ‘AH DER!’ moment. I’M FUCKING BORED. I almost laughed out loud that I hadn’t really considered the effect that ennui can have on your life experience. It hovers below the surface, taints everything with a slightly gray hue, like an audible sigh that you don’t even notice you’re making. I will always have a soft spot for my hometown. I love the familiar feelings I get from visiting my favorite places, seeing my favorite people. But it, finally, is not enough anymore. I have to go. Logically, I’ve known this for a year if not longer, this is not any kind of epiphany. And for me, the saddest thing is that, I don’t want to lose that familiarity. But I know I have to in order to grow, in order to be happy.

Le sigh.

Current Jam: “Mario la O” Ry Cooder

*I was supposed to post this this morning, but I felt my boss creepin’ over my shoulder…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s