My Life is the Bottom of a Purse

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No seriously:

I’m finally back to life after a week of fever-induced insanity. My 5 month long bender caught up with me, and after 3 days of above-average excessive revelry I found myself laid up with what my doctor called a “substantial” kidney infection. A revolving 103 degree fever and an ever-renewing sheen of sick sweat left me feeling akin to a gross, drowned rat. I did, however, meekly attempt reflection during my few moments of clarity…

I suppose this is a common complaint for those living on the go-go-go, but god dammit sometimes I am a scatterbrained ‘tard. I often worry about the onset of age, and whether I will be one of those senile old ladies with purple hair who simply can’t keep a thought in her head. Ya know, alzheimers-y. No matter how large or small, no matter how many or how few pockets, I will inevitably lose everything in my purse even as everything occupies it. I will swear I hear my keys in there, and then swear they’re not in there, only to find them when I furiously dump its contents unceremoniously on my bed. My phone hides like a sock in a dryer; As I check every nook and cranny in that cavernous bucket I’m convinced it slyly moves, sinisterly chuckling at my ineptitude. My sunglasses… well let’s just face it, half the the time they’re either in my hand or on my head. I’ve even been known to forget, yes FORGET, that I’m holding something and act surprised when it hits the floor.

Then there’s my incorporeal thought processes:

How many times can I possibly check my grad app statuses before I remember, oh yeah everything’s in. Nothing left to do but sit back and wait.

How many places can I write down my grocery/christmas/shopping list before I remember to actually take the damn thing with me when I leave my apartment?

Why do I insist on keeping receipts when I KNOW I’ll be throwing them away in about 2 weeks with nary a second glance??

Ya know what, can this fucking year END ALREADY? I’m over it…. so many resolutions on the horizon.

Current Jam: “Victory” Trampled By Turtles

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