Christmas Crap.

This holiday season has been…. strange. Normally I’m a Christmas whore. I love decorating, baking cookies, listening to carols, all that shit. But this year, I flaked out on helping my mom with the tree, I didn’t even get one for my apartment, I barely helped with the cookies, and my shopping technically still isn’t done… What’s my problem? Maybe it’s because I miss that sense of wonder and excitement that comes with childhood. When’s the last time I ached for Christmas to arrive so I could finally know if I got my red rider beebee gun??? I’m an adult now. My wish lists are boring, filled with small appliances and practical necessities. Since that blatantly whoreish consumerism is no longer fulfilling I’m trying to replace it with some kind of goodwill towards someone…

I did finally manage some mischievous spirit via homemade cards. I have a reputation for making thoughtful, clever and witty cards for my family members and close friends. Unfortunately, now they are in such high demand that I hesitate to make them anymore. If I don’t have a good idea, what’s the point? Luckily I had some festive inspiration this time around:

Yay. Barfing elves and Santa in a bikini are funny. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*

Last night was a table filled with family, a belly (too) full of short ribs and truffle oil mashers, and the best darn manicure I’ve ever done on my little cousin. After dinner we sat around the table, collectively massaging our food babies, and posited thought provoking questions for conversation. One such query: what do you see your life being like in 10 years? I was taken aback at first. I hadn’t really thought about it! The last 5 years or so I’ve been so concerned with the immediate future that the distant future looks hazy and quite uncertain. I thought in general terms: I want to be married, with children. I want a career that I love, and I want to be able to make money with my writing.

Marriage: this is kind of a duh for me. I know that I do one day want to be married. I want to live happily ever after with my best friend. I’ve always been a romantic at heart and I always will be. As to who and when, those are scenarios I try not to actively anticipate because I don’t want to force that area of my life into some pre-conceived box. Not anymore. I used to do that; but I’ve become, for lack of a better word.. jaded? I fear the depth and breadth of that kind of relationship. The building part isn’t hard; it’s the maintaining. That’s a very difficult process that many couples fail… Not just putting in the work, but wanting it to work.

Children: this…. worries me. This declaration almost felt more like an automatic response that a genuine desire. I feel relatively confident that I will, one day, want children. But I’ve never been particularly in love with them. For the longest time I didn’t get the attraction of a 6 month old to every vagina in a 5 mile radius. These days I’m mildly entertained by toddlers and babies, but it still doesn’t feel like enough… I hope I’ll evolve like Miranda Hobbes from Sex in the City. Ya know, I’ll like my own kids. But I still worry… About waiting too long, about complications, about realizing that I actually don’t want kids and fearfully wondering how that will impact my marriage… if my life follows that order.

Career: Hey, I don’t know exactly what its going to be, i just want to love it. Right now I wake up every morning with a sigh and a roll of the eyes…. I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life.

Writing: I want to be good enough to make money, whether it’s something just like this or a completely different venue. I wrote a column about working in the service industry in college. Even though I wasn’t paid for it, I miss it. Seeing my name in print is like no other high, and I wanna ride that addiction for a long time. Preferably with (small? I’ll take what I can get?) dollar signs alongside.

Current jam: “Single Ladies (put a ring on it)” -Beyonce…. (I just decided my new workout routine is going to be learning the whole dance, because I am a nerd who is perpetually behind the times.)

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