Coming out…

HaHA! Tricked you in to reading at least a portion of my upcoming rant. This is a confession I have hidden deep in the depths of my soul, because I sense the repercussions will be intense. But I can’t hold it in anymore….

Veganism pisses me off. As a person who maintains a passionate love affair with food, I think it is a fucking stupid diet. Now, HOLD ALL QUESTIONS UNTIL THE END!:

I live in a granola-head/indie/college town, so as you can imagine the Vegan population is substantial enough to yield a V-friendly restaurant cult and even a designated carpool (bike pool) lane.  Please don’t misunderstand; as I’ve said before I love my hometown. Despite my mild disdain for this subculture, Gainesvegas will always hold a special place in my heart for its willingness to welcome all beliefs and dietary restrictions into its humid bosom. That being said, at times I feel surrounded by this seemingly obsessive lifestyle and its oftentimes obligatory sense of superiority. And that shit really grinds my gears.

I do not despise all Vegans. I can, in fact, count several V-cards within my social circle whom I find intelligent and lovely. And if that’s the life you choose to lead, I refuse to disown you for it. Here’s the rub: I can’t stand it when I meet a Vegan who immediately decides that I am an uninformed simpleton in desperate need of nutritional guidance. The eagerness to convert resembles a wild-eyed Baptist minister, and that frightens and frustrates me. Do not castrate me simply because Momma likes burgers yo!

Errrgggg! That’s the other thing that drives me bonkers: that simper implying the inferiority of any other diet. The presumption that my guts are filled with toxins and hate-meat. That I am, by my omnivore nature, less healthy than them. And my response? AAA-WWWHAAAAA????

A couple (perfect) examples:

1) When I first encountered a Vegan friend at the ripe age of 14, I innocently asked, “So, what kinds of foods do you eat?” The reply? “Lots of soy.” Even as a naive adolescent I thought, well that’s dumb.

2) I once sat in gaggle of female classmates back in my college days as we debated various diet/exercise combos. My vegan friend piped up and advised that her solution was simple: she ate vegan and rode her bike, and she never gained any weight. She was thin, to be truthful. But her skin was sallow, her hair and nails were brittle, and there was this hint of a sad, lost little child behind her eyes. I agreed with her to be friendly, but inside I thought, no thanks, boo.

3) The Vegan friendly market place: Vegan cheese? Vegannaise? Soy chiken fingers? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. You made your bed, god dammit, now lie in it! You can’t possibly begin to tell me that the processed shit you decide is cheez is better for me than the block I just bought. Ya know, that REAL food that has a mere 5 pronounceable ingredients to your incomprehensible 25.

My solution up to this point has been to hide my highly volatile beliefs, for fear of retribution and offense. I understand that a hardcore Vegan’s beliefs are just as immutable as my own. No longer! I refuse to hide in the shadows, attempting to prevent unnecessary bickering! NOW GIVE ME AN ORGANIC GRASS-FED STEAK. MED RARE PLEASE. WITH BUTTER. LOTS OF BUTTER.

Hey, I fucking love food. I apologize if this has, despite my moderate intentions, completely pissed off my vegan buddies. I understand that you can be just as passionate and can get just as frustrated when someone balks at your dietary preferences. I understand that with much diligence a Vegan diet can provide all the necessary nutrients for a healthy body. I recognize that it takes all kinds. Just treat me with the same modicum of respect, and I promise I’ll go back into hiding  😉

Btdubs, if you haven’t written me off as a total asshole who no longer deserves a millisecond of your attention, or if you agree with me, here’s some resources I love that preach some my foodie ops:

In Defense of Food, Michael Pollan

The 4-Hour Chef, Tim Ferris

Also, get a subscription to Fine Cooking. You’re welcome.

Current Jam: “Jessie’s Girl” Rick Springfield

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