Good dreams and bad dreams

I remember most of my dreams. They used to make little sense, if any, like my brain was just bullshitting around while I was out. The past few years though, they’ve become quite striking. Now they’re like wacky, ethereal manifestations of real-life conflicts. Sometimes they aren’t so obscure, either:

1) Last night I dreamt I was taking a bunch of stuff up to Tallahassee late at night. I stopped at a chick-fil-a or somewhere to get food, and when I came out, my spidey-sense tingled. I realized that it was really dark and there weren’t any people around, so I quickly walked to my car and locked it as soon as I hopped in. Unfortunately, I didn’t see the guy sitting in the back seat, obscured by shadow. Suddenly a trio of lil’ white gangstas in doo rags surrounded me, and with a gun to my head they stole my car and all my stuff. I did manage to keep my phone, and when I tearfully called my friend, they thought it was funny and started laughing. You can imagine my hurt horror…

Gee, I wonder if that has anything to do with my impending move, and the obligatory stress that accompanies learning a new neighborhood and going back to school. It’s emabrrassing to admit, but I’ve never moved away from my hometown. I grew up here, I went to college here, and aside from a summer abroad in Europe I’ve never left. Until now. And while overall I’m excited for a change, that doesn’t mean that change isn’t a little bit scary. However, any time I feel embarrassment at my nerves, I remind myself of E’s (always) comforting analysis: “The fact that you’re anxious about it means you’re brave. It’s not a brave thing if you’re not at least partly afraid of the change.”

2) Ever since I began the process of applying to grad school, I started having a recurring dream about high school. I was notified by some VIP that, while my bachelor’s was still valid, my high school diploma had been compromised. I missed a class I was required to take, or something like that. Now, this dream has been evolving slowly but surely over the past year. At first it was the typical, ‘oh-god-it’s-the-day-of-the-final-and-I-can’t-find-the-class’. Then it became me deciding to take 3 classes instead of the 1 because I thought it would be fun or some other ridiculous notion like that… which of course led to me not going to any of them, ever, and failing finals and yatta yatta yatta. Then, I was trying to get in to see the principal and figure out how this happened, after realizing that I couldn’t go back because I currently had a full time job that… oops, I was extremely late for. These developments were peppered with interactions from old high school classmates, which I always found humiliating.

But a few nights ago I had a breakthrough! This time, I actually spoke with the principal! I finally said to my old classmates… wait… I know why I’m here, but why are you?? Turns out they all had similar, equally embarrassing circumstances! I awoke with an immense sense of relief and long overdue accomplishment.

…this emotional rollercoaster reminds me of a slow-burn version of preparing for marching shows in high school (yes, I was a band geek. Even a drum major my senior year!) The panic of performance was with me until I stepped up on that podium. In a moment it simply melted away. I’d put up my arms, smile reassuringly at the kids in the pit, and exhale. I’d say to myself, ‘No sense in freakin’ out now… hear we go!’

…Get ready, FSU. Here I come. I’m the most adorable force you’ve ever reckoned with…

Current Jam: “Lazy Eye” Silversun Pickups

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