Boring Life Update

The tears and hiccups have subsided, ya’ll!!   *Whew* Of course, a mere 36 hours after my initial freak out came a whirlwind of orientations and meet-n-greets. And OF COURSE I felt better. I know, I’m insane.

‘So! What’s grad school like so far, LL?’ You may be asking. Well, I don’t feel I can give a fully accurate portrayal to date, as I’ve literally been through 1 week of class, but so far I’ve identified the first big hurdle: Though I wasn’t particularly surprised, this week I learned that a full-time grad student in my department will be expected to read 400-600 pages a week… ummmmm shit. Wowsers. This party is really gettin’ started now, huh?

Therefore, as I know myself well enough to know that I can succumb to procrastination, especially when there’s something fun to look forward to, I have forced myself to get ahead of the game as much as possible this week. School and Exercise are my top 2 priorities… aside from randomly snap-chatting my boo something ridiculous and/or naughty.

Currently I’m posted up in another local cafe (This time, Red-Eye off Thomasville Rd), cherishing the precious moments when you begin to delicately sip on your cappuccino… before the need to poo sets in. Here I thought I’d be all 21st century student and head to a coffee shop to read/study away on my laptop… and then I remembered that such establishments are A) loud, especially if its a good one, and B) waaaaay too distracting for me. I got through 2 pages of a Foucault reading assignment before resigning myself to a blog update.

Pros to studying in public:

-Feeling connected to the outside world

-Look cool/clever/cute

-Better coffee than I make at home

-I am not distracted by my large TV, or my naggingly messy bathroom

-No fridge to open time and time again before reminding myself that NO, I’m not hungry….ooohhhh goat cheese…. NO! Sit back down!

Cons to studying in public:

-Maybe I’m borderline ADHD, but I just can’t concentrate, especially not on philosophical arguments re: the nature, definition and inherent limitations on the artist/author. There’s just too much quality people-peepin’ to be done! I mean, for goodness sake, there’s a FABULOUS mustache a mere 10 feet away! How can I ignore that?!

-My couch/bed/FLOOR is more comfortable than this chair.

-Dammit all the outlets are taken and my battery’s almost dead.

-I have to poop/blow my nose/pick a wedgie

-I’m hungry, but I can’t afford more than the current cup o’ joe I just sucked down

-What’s that weird stain on the floor?

-HEY! Is that Tom Bosley??…… TOM!….. nope.

-Ugh, I hate putting the girls in bewb jail, plus I think this bra is technically broken.

-Still hungry…

And before I know it, I’ve wasted an hour. *Sigh* Back to my apartment cave, because I seriously can’t get anything done here.

Current Jam: Music also distracts me. The most I can handle is a classical Pandora station.

Can someone find me a mental health day?

Seriously though, I’ll take anything you can throw at me.

I drove up to Tally yesterday afternoon to begin the grueling unpacking process, and by 8:30 pm I was so enveloped in a panic attack that I forced myself to the nearest Irish Pub, per my biffl’s instruction. I calmed down a bit once I was around others, if for no other reason than I couldn’t allow myself to cry hysterically in public. I had myself 2 swamphead beers, a quiet but pleasant conversation with the bartender DJ, and went home slightly appeased… at least hoping that I would be too tired to think. After a night of fitful half-sleep, I unpacked a little more this morning under the veil of depression before my fears and insecurities bubbled (or, should I say, blubbered) to the surface and I tearfully fled my empty, box ridden apartment (my roommate isn’t coming up until tomorrow) for the nearest coffee shop and wi-fi connection.

I’m barely maintaining composure in this little coffee shop /  vintage thrift store even as I write these words. If I wasn’t so distraught I’d be sharing how cute this place was, how nice the staff has been and how delicious the coffee is. But instead I’m wallowing in a despair I can’t quantify and can barely explain.

I guess I just got cocky. I didn’t think it would be this bad. My god, I’m an adult for gods sake. No, I’ve never moved away from home, but that isn’t to say I’ve never forced a good, albeit difficult, change on myself before. And perhaps I’m not as introspective as I’ve previously claimed, but I could swear that I’ve never been this anxious, this depressed, this uncontrollably panicked, in my life. It’s so debilitating, and fucking embarrassing, to be frank.

Would I take it back? Quit before I begin and return to the comfort of my friends and family a mere 2 hours away? Fuck no! I may be a pathetic, anxious psycho but I’m not a quitter. Logically, I know that I will be ok. I will make new friends, I will get back on that school horse and make it my bitch. The truly frightening part is being inside my own head, and even as I logically tell myself these things I am still unable to control the depth of my feelings of loneliness and despair. I can’t concentrate on anything; attempts to calm myself down are futile, whether it be reading a book (near impossible right now) or taking a walk or being in public (the only saving grace of public is to keep me mildly composed, as I said before… wait hold that thought while I wipe the brimming tears out of my eyes as I make a half-hearted attempt to explain to the waitress that no, I’m fine, it’s just a combination of allergies and these stupid contacts).

I basically feel sick… mentally sick right now. And it makes me so angry because I thought these horrific episodes were gone, or at least they would be numbed by the anti-depressant I’ve been on for like 2 years. I wanna scream at my prescription bottle, what the fuck?? What good are you??! WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY??!!!! And all it does in response is ‘stare’ back at me ruefully, as if to say, good lord girl get a fucking life. My medicine is a dick.

And so I force myself to soldier on until tomorrow morning, when I can finally get the orientation process started and find some (hopefully successful) distraction.

Current Jam: Everything. I seriously can’t stand silence right now. It’s too loud.

Weigh-In…

Hey! ‘Member back in January when you were all “This year I’m gonna lose that extra 10 pounds!”… How’s that going so far?…

…Yeah, me neither. But have faith friends! Some new resources to re-kickstart your stalled weight loss plans:

1) A couple of apps to motivate you: MyFitnessPal and Gorilla Workout:

– My Fitness Pal is a free calorie counter, available online and on your smartphone. You can add quick calories, your own recipes, and scan bar codes to make tracking as hassle-free as possible. Plus, it’s super customizable and you can add friends to help keep you motivated! (friend me if you want, my screenname is llibert39)

– I was turned onto Gorilla Workout by my future roomie Danny. It’s a great app for resistance workouts, no weights, no gym required! If you’re stuck in a boring strength training program and you need to mix it up, give this a try.

2) Pump up the volume: Refinery29 has a new workout playlist for you, and Pandora’s Running (Radio Mix) station is a good’n. If you’re like me and you hate it when you get 3 crappy songs in a row, try this: When I find a new workout station I like, I’ll listen to it for a few days to tweak it to my preferences.

4) Check out this video from FitSugar for a quick 10 minute fat blasting workout, perfect for early rises and lunch breaks.

5) If you’re currently an office slug comme moi, you basically have to sit on your ass in order to get any work done. Try these little tweaks to get that muscle tone back. (also courtesy of Refinery29… just start following this site if you’re not already, it’s hella-tight).

6) My lovely, badass sister found this awesome workout. Beware; it will kill you, but the intensity ensures rapid heart rate and high calorie burn:

Workout- from Pinterest

Jumping Jacks: 20 sec
Back lunges: 20 sec

Rest: 30 sec

Plank: 30 sec
Right side plank: 30 sec
Plank: 30 sec
Left side plank: 30 sec
Plank: 30 sec

Rest: 30 sec

Burpees: 20 sec
Skater jumps : 20 sec

Rest: 1 min

Reverse Plank: 30 sec
Reverse plank, alternating leg lifts (keep pelvis up!): 30 sec
Tricep dips: 30 sec
Tricep dips with alternating leg lifts: 30 sec

Rest: 1 min

Bicycle crunches: 20 sec
Toe touch crunches: 20 sec
Superman: 30 sec
Downward Facing Dog: 30 sec

REPEAT 8 Times!!!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~~~~~~~~~

Keep it up guys, you can do it! Being healthy is IMPORTANT DAMMIT! Now where’s my vodka soda… (100 calories for a single, btdubs…)

Current Jam: “Eye of the Tiger” Survivor