Seriously though, I’ll take anything you can throw at me.
I drove up to Tally yesterday afternoon to begin the grueling unpacking process, and by 8:30 pm I was so enveloped in a panic attack that I forced myself to the nearest Irish Pub, per my biffl’s instruction. I calmed down a bit once I was around others, if for no other reason than I couldn’t allow myself to cry hysterically in public. I had myself 2 swamphead beers, a quiet but pleasant conversation with the bartender DJ, and went home slightly appeased… at least hoping that I would be too tired to think. After a night of fitful half-sleep, I unpacked a little more this morning under the veil of depression before my fears and insecurities bubbled (or, should I say, blubbered) to the surface and I tearfully fled my empty, box ridden apartment (my roommate isn’t coming up until tomorrow) for the nearest coffee shop and wi-fi connection.
I’m barely maintaining composure in this little coffee shop / vintage thrift store even as I write these words. If I wasn’t so distraught I’d be sharing how cute this place was, how nice the staff has been and how delicious the coffee is. But instead I’m wallowing in a despair I can’t quantify and can barely explain.
I guess I just got cocky. I didn’t think it would be this bad. My god, I’m an adult for gods sake. No, I’ve never moved away from home, but that isn’t to say I’ve never forced a good, albeit difficult, change on myself before. And perhaps I’m not as introspective as I’ve previously claimed, but I could swear that I’ve never been this anxious, this depressed, this uncontrollably panicked, in my life. It’s so debilitating, and fucking embarrassing, to be frank.
Would I take it back? Quit before I begin and return to the comfort of my friends and family a mere 2 hours away? Fuck no! I may be a pathetic, anxious psycho but I’m not a quitter. Logically, I know that I will be ok. I will make new friends, I will get back on that school horse and make it my bitch. The truly frightening part is being inside my own head, and even as I logically tell myself these things I am still unable to control the depth of my feelings of loneliness and despair. I can’t concentrate on anything; attempts to calm myself down are futile, whether it be reading a book (near impossible right now) or taking a walk or being in public (the only saving grace of public is to keep me mildly composed, as I said before… wait hold that thought while I wipe the brimming tears out of my eyes as I make a half-hearted attempt to explain to the waitress that no, I’m fine, it’s just a combination of allergies and these stupid contacts).
I basically feel sick… mentally sick right now. And it makes me so angry because I thought these horrific episodes were gone, or at least they would be numbed by the anti-depressant I’ve been on for like 2 years. I wanna scream at my prescription bottle, what the fuck?? What good are you??! WHY DO I STILL FEEL THIS WAY??!!!! And all it does in response is ‘stare’ back at me ruefully, as if to say, good lord girl get a fucking life. My medicine is a dick.
And so I force myself to soldier on until tomorrow morning, when I can finally get the orientation process started and find some (hopefully successful) distraction.
Current Jam: Everything. I seriously can’t stand silence right now. It’s too loud.