I’ve finally found my way back here, after a couple months of not being busy, then being busy, but all the while at a loss for any musings of note (not that my musings are all that enlightening anyway). Grad school is still grad school, Tally is still Tally, G’ville’s still G’ville, and I’m still me, just me. Just being ‘me’ rarely feels like enough; too often I find myself comparing it to a rotating cycle of immense build up followed by crippling disappointment, like when you salivate over that last piece of cake all the way home, only to discover that your roommate ate it for lunch. Although, in a literal version of that scenario, I’m the roommate…
I used to think that if I could be everything I wanted, then I would be happy. I even wrote a list once when I was in high school of all the things that would make me “perfect”: I’d be multi-lingual, I would be able to play 3 instruments, able to draw, and paint in watercolor. I would be coordinated, graceful, a sexy dancer, etc etc. Of course, all I succeeded in doing was making my own accomplishments seem inconsequential and petty. (I’m probably the best bully I’ve ever faced.) While I’m no longer that masochistic, I often worry that if I’m not enough for myself, how can I be enough for anyone else?
Then I think my attention should be focused elsewhere: on school, my career, my future. Then I flip-flop again, and my initial guilt over daydreaming about a coupled life is replaced by an indignant ‘well why should I feel guilty’? Just because I want to be married one day doesn’t make me any less of a feminist, or an intellectual, or a coffee enthusiast. Wanting to share a life with someone is just as valid a pursuit as growing an herb garden or climbing Mount Everest… although I suspect that climbing Everest is actually logistically easier than many a long term relationship.
So, I’m trying to stop comparing myself to other people, because I think that’s where the whole ‘I’m not enough’ obsession originated. You can’t be more than one person L’s, so stop trying. No one can be everything they wanna be…. no one can be Batman and Spiderman and Wolverine simultaneously.
Luckily, I have an amazing boo that puts up with my occasional whining and tries his damnedest to remind me of my immense value. For example, this past weekend we made a new friend. While I’m generally happy about making new connections, I was paranoid that perhaps I came on too strong or had become obnoxious as the Super Bowl waged on. I expressed trepidation as we drifted off to sleep last night, and he sighed a smirk and said I had nothing to worry about, because “to know you is to adore you.”
Those are moments that give me perfect bliss. They remind me that I am enough, and that one of my best accomplishments is to consistently surround myself with amazing people who I just love to love.
Current quote: “A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
Current Jam: “cosmic love” Florence + the Machine