Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Vegas

You ever have a day so bad that all your remaining energy is consumed by the sobering certainty that you are a horrible person?

That, in a nutshell, has been my emotional roller coaster for the past few days. And it sucked as much as it sounds like it sucked. I’m dutifully trying to remind myself that no one’s perfect, including me, a fact that I’ve never actively tried to hide. However, certainty’s weight has been absolutely counterproductive to lifting my spirits.

I find that too often, I just shoot myself in the foot. I care too much, or I put forth too much effort, and it comes off possessive, codependent, or at the very least annoying. It’s really aggravating. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve taken two steps back from where I was a year ago. Or a few years ago. Like, I’ve regressed to be more needy and less secure. Pero, why??? I ask myself. Is it a chemical imbalance yet to be resolved? Maybe it’s a relationship I don’t realize is toxic? Maybe I’m not getting enough fiber? Maybe the feng-shui is alllll wrong in my apartment. Regardless, it’s exhausting.

Just forget about it, L’s! You lovingly reassure me. Ah, friend, I say, were it so easy. No seriously, I would LOVE to just ‘let it go’, ‘sleep on it’, ‘forget about it’. Well, when you’re me, a borderline OCD anxiety ridden mental case, that shit is EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Oh, there I go again, Negative Nancy.

Sorry. I’m ok. I’ve taken my deep breath (read: punched my wall til I cut myself). I’ve meditated (read: drank an entire bottle of wine  by myself). I’ve retired to my bed to calmly drift off to sleep (read: Rilo Kiley pandora and BLOG time, der). I’ve taken the steps (not), to wake anew, fresh and ready to face tomorrow’s challenges.

….So, like, my new year’s resolution…. like every year, is to focus more on improving myself, to my satisfaction, rather than concede to other’s desires and expectations. But in the end, I always bend, practically til I break. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be selfish all the time, not just when I see that last slice of pizza and decide fuck it, I’m a eat that bitch?

Why can’t I just say screw everyone else, I’m gonna do what I need to do to be happy? Ah, I remember now: because those relationships are what make me happy. Until they don’t…. which usually takes me a couple of months (read: years) to realize. And then I’m back at square one….

Maybe my new year’s resolution should be to stop calling it “square one”…

Current Quote: “Whatever I’m the worst” Britta Perry

Update, 2/24/2014: I just remembered this article I found via pocket: 5 Ways to Do Nothing and be Become More Productive. It spoke to me, and I inexplicably feel that it’s relevant to this post.

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