I am, man. Damn. I’m bitter as hell. It’s slowly ebbing away with time, but I can’t deny, I’m a bitter bitch right now. That sucks, because I really wanna be ‘glass-half full’ L’s all the time. Right now, though, it’s just hard. It’s a really gross, unattractive emotion, tastes like old cigarette smoke is pumping through my heart. Yuck.
Beyond that, I’m having the worst writing block today. It’s a weird sensation to really want to just write, to get it all out of your head. I really want to, I can feel something down there struggling to surface, but my brain is like, constipated or something. It’s working like the ‘strong arm’ in Scary Movie. Words barely sputter from my fingers before they sound trite and stupid. I’ve started 3 drafts in the last 20 minutes and can’t seem to make one of them work. ERG. Maybe that’s my responsible side nudging me to work on the stuff with a deadline. UGH, FIIIINE…..
OH! Wait!! This might work: I’m suddenly reminded of a helpful visual aid my friend drew for me on a napkin:
In a really sweet way to focus my attentions elsewhere, she broke it down thusly: All the shit in our lives can fall into one of these four categories, and that’s the order we should try to approach our problems. If it’s important and urgent, deal with it now. If it’s urgent, deal with it next. If it’s important but not urgent, deal with it later. If it’s neither, FUCK IT. It doesn’t always work, of course; For example, I tend to spend way too much time worrying about crap that doesn’t matter, aka #4. Maybe that’s where bitterness is born. You concern yourself with too much stuff that’s not worth your energy or time, and frequently it’s crap you have no control over, anyway. So what’s the point? I mean, I really hope there’s one, because if there’s not, well then, dammit! I feel on the verge of a breakthrough, but much like that hidden truth I’m dying to divulge, I can’t place it.
I dunno, I guess I’m regretting a lot of stuff I’ve said lately, things I’ve thought. Things I’ve thought, typed out, changed and still said anyway even though they were still just wrong, not even necessary. That’s not the person I am. I’m better than that. There’s something to be said for speaking your piece, getting it all out there, singing your swan song, but after a while it just turns into screaming obscenities to the ambivalent heavens. There comes a time when you have to just exhale and move on. No use in crying over spilt whiskey, unless you wanna water it down further. Now lick it up, puss!
Bitterness just eats away at you. It transforms you, and if you let it it’ll destroy your lovely core into an angry Oscar the Grouch. There’s a time and a place to be pissed, but those scenarios are fleeting at best. Oscar could use a little namaste for that negativity:
Theeeere ya go buddy.
*Deep breath….coughcoughhackhack….* Oscar, bro, you’re right. Shit could be worse. I could live in a trashcan. I could have a unibrow. I could own crocs, for chrissake. There’s so much to be happy about in life, why dwell on the stuff you can’t change? I’m sure I’ve sounded like a broken record lately; get over it! – WAIT – NO! That’s fucked up! – WAIT! -CHIIILLL babay! But that’s life, isn’t it? Especially in your younger years, that’s the line you have to navigate. Time for a Haiku!
Stop, go; wash, repeat. It’s progress when you can see the sky at the end.
Oh!, it just struck me: that thing that’s been nagging me, that confession I need to sort through, I found it… but come to think of it… ain’t quite time yet, gotta hang back. Sorry dudes/dudettes, you’ll just have to wait. It’s important, but not really urgent at the moment.
Current Jam: “Brutal Hearts” Bedouin Soundclash