Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

“wanna cuddle?”

It still amazes me that two words can light such a bright fire, one that eventually consumed me. It’s been a rough weekend. In case you couldn’t tell, my attempt at reconciliation was met, not with compassion, but brutal refusal. It practically broke me. Luckily, I have such an amazing support group, both in Gainesville and Tally. They got me proper drunk and took care of me, they fed me Ramen, and they sat and held me as I sobbed, shaking uncontrollably. They forced me to acknowledge the toxicity of that relationship, and why I didn’t deserve a lot of what I got. My friends and family are so truly wonderful that I almost started crying as I typed this. It’s kind of telling that for everyone I have in my life, my ex doesn’t seem to have many people to talk to. I’ve been wondering if that partly explains his inability to empathize and his emotional baggage. Whatever, it’s really not worth mulling over anymore. It’s done, I’m done, and I’m ready to be courted for a change. I’m ready for a dude to make ME dinner for once. I’m ready for a dude that’s reliable… and a little less sensitive, cause honestly I’m sensitive enough for two people.

At first I was really beating myself up for attracting yet another taker. It felt like karma, and I couldn’t understand what I could have done to deserve such cruelty. I was talking to my sister about it, and she confessed she could see it coming from a mile away, and had desperately wanted to warn me. Then I had a bit of a breakthrough… I said, “Rachel, I know you just want to protect me from getting hurt, but these are lessons I have to learn on my own. I was destined to date a bad boy, it was only a matter of time. At least now I’ll hopefully be able to recognize them and steer clear…” I find it almost laughable now that he chased me, he coerced me to be in a relationship by earnestly telling me he ‘didn’t want to be my rebound’, and in the end I guess that’s all he was.

*deep breath* So… apparently my cosmic new year (?) was this Friday. So like, let’s start over. Let’s get and give that second chance. I’m still a little depressed, and I think it’ll still take a while before I’ve totally moved on… but when I think long and hard about it, the cons so outweighed the pros. It was destined to fail. And while I gotta give him props for being a great lay…. that feels like the most effort he ever put into our relationship. I should actually thank him, he taught me a lot about my own body, and now I can successfully train the next guy to get it totally right. Oh! And check this: I popped over to Subway for food this morning. I looked like total shit, i.e. sweaty, shiny face, no makeup, hungover with terrible shakes. The sandwich artiste STILL asked for my number. I can’t be all bad, now can I? Nope.

Current Jam: “Dark Horse” Katy Perry

[Juicy J:]
Yeah
Ya’ll know what it is
Katy Perry
Juicy J, aha.
Let’s rage (YEAYYYAH)

[Katy Perry:]
I knew you were
You were gonna come to me
And here you are
But you better choose carefully
‘Cause I, I’m capable of anything
Of anything and everything

Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only
But don’t make me your enemy, your enemy, your enemy (bad idea)

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you’re falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine
There’s no going back

Mark my words
This love will make you levitate
Like a bird
Like a bird without a cage (absolutely)
But down to earth
If you choose to walk away, don’t walk away

It’s in the palm of your hand now baby
It’s a yes or no, no maybe
So just be sure before you give it all to me
All to me, give it all to me

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you’re falling for
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse
Are you ready for, ready for
A perfect storm, perfect storm
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine (love trippin’)
There’s no going back

[Juicy J – Rap Verse]
Uh
She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)
Be careful
Try not to lead her on
Shorty’s heart is on steroids
Cause her love is so strong (you better believe it)
You may fall in love
When you meet her
If you get the chance you better keep her
She’s sweet as pie but if you break her heart
She’ll turn cold as a freezer (FUCK YES)
That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor
She can be my Sleeping Beauty
I’m gon’ put her in a coma
Woo!
Damn I think I love her
Shorty so bad, I’m sprung and I don’t care
She ride me like a roller coaster
Turned the bedroom into a fair (a fair!)
Her love is like a drug
I was tryna hit it and quit it
But lil’ mama so dope
I messed around and got addicted

So you wanna play with magic
Boy, you should know what you’re falling for (you should know)
Baby do you dare to do this?
Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse (like a dark horse)
Are you ready for, ready for (ready for)
A perfect storm, perfect storm (a perfect storm)
Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine (mine)
There’s no going back

4 thoughts on “Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s