I’ve had a mac truck worth of crap on my mind since I last wrote… (and you’re all… dude! You’ve been posting like a madwoman, like ever’day! I know, I know… get over it, I think a lot)
My birthday/spring break extravaganza has finally come to a close… Again, I have to thank all the people that came out, helped out… rocked out with their cocks out? I can’t stress my gratitude enough, because I firmly believe people need to feel their extrinsic value and have it reinforced within their chosen social circles.
I’m back in my room, rich with gifts and memories and plans. I’ve hatched so many idea-babies in the past week: ways to improve my writing, how to increase the circulation of my prose, new creative challenges I want to tackle or refine, etc. etc. Although I’m approaching the end of the semester (read: ‘pull my hair out’ -stressed until May 1), I’m ready to push on through to the other side, to a summer that seems to be full of promise and possibilities.
Simultaneously, I have that… fucking familiar weight in my gut. I’ve mentioned it before… luckily it’s lost some of its gravity, but it refuses to dissipate entirely. It naggingly persists…. However, despite the occasional sigh, eyes downcast as it escapes my lips, I’m a bit more… determined this time around. After my last breakup, my goals were entirely social-centric. I buried my anxiety beneath booze and boy-craziness as I manically filled my calendar with new found contacts. I partied so hard my 4 month bender ended abruptly with a substantial kidney infection. Granted, I wouldn’t take it back. I really came out of my shell during that period and honed my social and communication skills. But this time, after a mere week of drunken revelry, I’m done with that path. Put simply, I’m gettin’ too old for that shit.
This time… I’m determined to be selfish in a different way. My trouble is that I always put forth the majority of my energy into improving and bolstering other people. While those people deserve love and attention, I often neglect my own self-actualization in the process. I sacrifice my dreams and plans to fulfill another’s. While I genuinely enjoy the satisfaction of helping others, lately it’s left me with a pestering sense of stagnation. This time… I’m ready to do some hard work on myself, to invest in me for a change, to become all the more awesome. Primarily I need to learn to love myself. I need to make myself into a person I’m proud of too, not just my parents. Besides, I’m confident it’ll serve me in the long run; maybe it’ll make me all the better for that next someone, whoever he is…. hmm… feels like a HIMYM moment… does anyone see a yellow umbrella??? NO! Don’t tell me! I’m not ready yet!
Current Jam: “I’ve Got My Mind Set on You” George Harrison