Kidney infections… well, I imagine most bacterial infections, wear you the fuck out. I slept like a dead, sweaty little log this weekend, and after a long, but not particularly strenuous day, I’m still exhausted. Bad timing, unfortunately, because now’s the time to kick it into high gear. FUCK, this semester has exponentially sucked. Just gotta make it to May, and I can finally chill the eff out for a bit…
The pressure feels… immense right now. The pressure to do well in school, to evolve, to not worry about A, B and C. To just be present, to plaster a smile on my face all the time. Regrettably, most of that pressure is placed on me, for me, by me. I recognize it, and I’m slowing pulling the debris away… it’s also made me realize how much energy we put into things that return nothing. Zero. Goose egg. Projects that don’t pan out… people that don’t pan out, really, and it can feel a little overwhelming when you don’t know whether something or someone is worth it. Then there’s the rip chord snap of reality when you realize it (they) aren’t worth your time. Any kind of collaboration, be it romantic, platonic, or simply economical, is about give and take. If you don’t feel like the other party is putting forth as much effort, well it’s time to suss out why. The why can be the hardest question to answer, because sometimes the simple truth is this: you don’t mean as much to them as they mean to you.
And that sucks, there no silver lining to that cloud. I repeat, it fucking sucks!! Here’s the thing you have to remember: for every person that snubs your beauty, there are many more willing to cherish it. I mean, it means shit when you feel like shit, but this is where some people bring in the notion of …ffff…faith? Faith can seem like a complete, crapola copout, but sometimes it’s all you’ve got. Sometimes, though, it’s all you really need…*Sigh*, and so I have to say farewell to someone I thought I could have a meaningful relationship with. You don’t have, nor will you make, the time for me. It hurts right now, but I’ll be ok. I lived without you for over 2 decades, I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike. In (hopefully) no time at all, I’ll go from clumsily rubbing away my non-waterproof mascara (why do I keep making this mistake? Jeez!) to this:
…sometimes I feel like I’m writing letters to a younger me… time travel goes both ways, ya know….
Current Jam: “You Will be Loved” Death Cab for Cutie