I always preach the Golden Rule way of living right? Treat others as you wish to be treated. Well, whilest scouring the interwebs today I found this site which breaks down the 12 (yes, 12, I didn’t know either) rules of Karma, and believe me, it goes beyond the Golden Rule. Way beyond. In ways that make sense, but they made me realize how limited in scope my perspective was. The laws most relevant to these misconceptions were the Law of Responsibility and the Law of Change:

-The Law of Responsibility: ‘Whenever there is something wrong in my life, there is something wrong with me. We mirror what surrounds us – and what surrounds us mirrors us; this is a Universal Truth. We must take responsibility for what is in our life.’

-The Law of Change: ‘history repeats itself until we learn the lessons that we need to change our path.’

(See them all here: The 12 Rules of Karma)

So, sometimes I have a selective memory, a selective moral compass. Like many people, I am really good at justifying any given opinion or action. I like to say that given this handicap (which most people have, that’s why we’re all in therapy. For that unbiased point of view to snap us out of our reveries), that I’m more introspective, more self aware than the average bear. Sometimes though, even I have to admit that uuuhhhh NOPE. I’m not.

I was approached recently and told, in no uncertain terms that I was… well, fuckin’ up. It came from a person very close to me, and those verbal daggers slit right through me as I sat on my host’s porch, the unbelievably beautiful California weather suddenly mocking my tears. I was crushed. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to get my cry on in the shower. Once I was able to compose myself, I sat down to critically think about the things they said. Now, I must clarify: I believe this person was coming from a place of love…. maybe a bit of a place of drama too, but 99% love. They seemed concerned about me, and had taken the ‘tough love’ approach in order to get me to see the error of my ways. And yet, it still took me a while to really critically assess their points of contention.

At first I was all justification. I have a tendency to knee-jerk to defensive behavior when we fight. But, the more I thought about their point of view, I saw some valid opinions. But, again 99% of what I saw, what I perceived as my mistake, was my recent neglect of this person. After a crappy breakup, after I’d cried my tears, I vowed to put that energy back into the universe, in a positive way. I wanted to give back to all my friends and family for their love and support. But apparently I did not do this person justice, and for that I felt bad. I thought I was covering my bases as they came, but this person needed me more than I offered, and I dropped the ball. I thought I tried, I thought I had made my inherent support known, but I suppose I did not, and for that I feel guilt. I haven’t yet reconciled totally with this person; there are still some things I have to ponder, to feel, before I can mend this supposed ‘rift’….

Thinking about these 2 fundamental truths, I realize that my path to… happiness? enlightenment? responsibility? is still very much untrodden. I have a really hard time working through and past some of my insecurities and flaws. At my age, on the seeming cusp of adulthood…. or rather, being dragged kicking and screaming into adulthood, being suddenly aware of how much I sabotage myself is really fucking distressing. I thought I’d thought long and hard about my path, but truthfully, after reading this article I realize that I have not. It’s like I’ve had an epiphany. In truth, a tear shed as I accepted the sobering reality: I am basically undateable right now. Not unlovable, but almost certainly undateable. I’m a mess! I drink too much, I’m smoking too regularly, I don’t exercise like I used to, like, at all (For my readers that have known me for years, you’ll appreciate the profundity of this declaration; I used to be obsessed with the gym and what I ate). My trust issues, always present, have blown up into conspiracy theory proportions, and I’m constantly convinced the only man I can count on is my Dad. I’m borderline bulimic, and I’m just plain miserable! My life is wonderful, that part was never wrong. It’s just ME that I hate right now. I hate who I am. I’ve realized just how hellish my late 20’s have been. Since 25 I’ve crashed and bounced through them in a perpetual cloud of feigned bliss and forced laughs. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize just how unhappy I am; not with my ambitions, accomplishments or support base, I just hate me. Me is a pathetic addict, an emotional roller coaster, someone unbelievably influenced by the opinions of others. Someone suddenly incapable of providing herself solitary comfort…. So THAT’S why I hate being alone!! Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck. There really is something wrong with me.

*Really big sigh*…. First step I guess? Because for all my oblivion, I now see the writing on the wall. It’s time to be. OK. For real this time. No foolin’.

Current Jam: “Unsubstantiated Rumors…” Against Me!

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