PSA: The biggest asshole in Florida lives in Sarasota and his name is Shane

If I have to hear another person’s well-intentioned advice on how to ‘fix’ myself, I’m going to fucking kill them. Granted, it’ll be in my dreams, but I’m gonna kill the shit out of them. Like, Freddie Kruger style.

Best part of last night, HANDS DOWN:

So I’m hanging with my girl Britt. Truthfully, I’m a little bummed and not in the mood to talk to anyone. Well this trio of 30-something’s starts chatting us up. Britt’s friendly and engaging enough for the both of us. They can tell I’m not in a great mood and try to inquire why. I nicely, calmly say, “Oh, haha, it’s nothing personal but I don’t really want to talk about it,” and smile. Britt heads to the restroom as they keep poking and prodding… which eventually gets me a little emotional. Well, this dude Shane starts in with an attempt to ‘help me’, ‘calm me down’, ‘zen me out’ or whatever the fuck. Again, I say as politely as I can, “Hey Shane, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but again, I’m not really in the mood ok? I don’t think it’s gonna work right now,” and laugh. His face turned to stone, and he says, “Oh well, you can just go sit over there then,” his eyes darting towards our previous table. I stare at him. “…Excuse me?” I ask. He repeats himself, as if he’s talking to a spoiled child throwing a tantrum. “Well, I’m going to wait for my friend to come out of the bathroom,” I counter. “Well, she can sit over there too,” He says. Finally I’m just at a loss for words at the level of, not only 180 degree, bi-polar-esque behavior, but at how unbelievably rude this guy is. After a few moments of just staring at him, I said, “Are you serious?”

“Yeah I’m fucking serious, bye!” he says, and waves his hand in a mocking gesture. His friends of course are completely silent by this point. They avoid eye contact at all costs. So I get up and go sit by some younger dudes my girl and I had befriended a few days before. They take one look at my face and immediately ask what’s wrong. I forced a laugh and said, “Um, I’m ok. Will you excuse me for a second?” A small smile crossed my lips as I sauntered into the restroom… I nodded to the girl washing her hands as I closed the stall door behind me… and I burst into tears. Who talks to someone like that? I know I can be obnoxious, I’ll be the first to admit it, but I wasn’t loud-shitty-drunk L’s. I was on my second cocktail. I’m sorry I wasn’t feeling a faux-therapy session with someone I just met…

Actually? I’m not sorry. Fuck you, dude. You are by far the biggest asshole I’ve encountered this summer. You see a girl with the shiny eyes, the tears barely kept at bay to retain some semblance of composure, and when they reject your pathetic invitation to ‘help’ them, you turn into a completely dismissive piece of shit? Wow, no wonder you’re divorced. I hope you get syphillis, go insane and die in a puddle of your own excrement.

Some silver linings:

1) I came out of the stall to my waitress fixing her makeup. As I pulled myself together, she took one look in my direction and asked I wanted another round. I gave her a 30% tip.

2) One of the utter-piece-of-shit-on-the-bottom-of-a-shoe’s friends did come over to me a little while later and apologized profusely on his behalf… and admitted that U.P.O.S.O.T.B.O.S walked out on his tab… ya know, because he’s a stand up guy.

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