Oh Cheez.

For the first time in a while I ate an entire sandwich last night, and this is what came out of my brain (with some minor grammatical edits the next morning) Obvi, the stream of consciousness mutates with each passing song… and that’s all the disclaimer I’m going to provide:

Lying in my bed, in the pitch black listening to music. “Lion’s Roar” by First Aid Kit is on the rotation currently. When’s the last time I did this? …Not since high school, easily… it feels like a liminal space between waking and sleep, where your brain runs the gamut of emotions as you skip from thought to thought before they finally slow and you drift off: betrayal, loneliness, fear, anger, anxiety. I’m overwhelmed with a wave of nostalgia and a little bit of bitter sweet melancholy. Forced focus like this makes you approach the darkest corners of your soul. If you let it… And sometimes you should… The pangs and swells of those negative feelings, the ones you never want to entertain in the light… Take away all sense of security, and you confront the fragility of the structure your brain concocts to get you through the day to day.

“Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros: I’m remembering one of the best vacations I ever had. The guy I was dating for a while, his parents owned a cabin in Black Hawk, NC, just outside of Asheville. Me and him, we went up one October with Poofl, Huzband Zero, my sister and her husband. So many adjectives apply to that trip: beautiful, hysterical, breathtaking; the sharp contrast of reddish, dying foliage against a brilliant, azure sky. The shivers as a cold mountain gust kissed my bare neck (I had stupidly forgotten a scarf for that hike, the cloudless sky belying the elevation). Late afternoon drives down hairpin curves to the town below, for football and the most delicious craft beer. The smell of fall, of cider and smoke and earth and… a little bit of burnt sugar…

“Dead Waltz” by Radical Face: It’s weird to remember past relationships, and I don’t mean in terms of recalling memories in the visual sense. I mean the way you phsyically felt in the relationship; at certain moments, overall. Have you ever tried? To relive every butterfly, every knot? Before you know it you find yourself walking swiftly backwards in time to try and remember the specific elements of initial attraction. What drew them to you in the first place, and you to them? Was it their laugh?… God can you even remember what it sounds like now? So much has happened, after all, can u remember how you felt the first time he kissed you? Can you make yourself feel that way again, that exact way? At will? Or does it fade in familiarity, like waking from a dream or a skewed recollection from childhood?

….change of direction, different question, can you still recall the smell? “They” say smell is the sense most tied to memory, even of the (seemingly, emotionally) distant past. Can you remember their scent? Can you remember the smell of the bed you shared, that particular hint of your own intimacy? The way they tasted? Or is our perception of the world and our experiences within it completed guided by something other (higher?) than our senses? Our perceptions can lie to us, can’t they. “They” say we see what we want to see… we hear what we want to hear, smell, touch… So, are our sensual memories really accurate at all? …or maybe I’m just using the wrong term here, maybe ‘accuracy’ isn’t really what’s important here…

*falls asleep after this…*

…I have a feeling I will regret posting these retarded ramblings…


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