Looking Back

I think my PMS just hit… like, a week early. F**king great, I’ve gotta move this weekend too, perhaps one of the more stressful things to do when you wanna cry and/or hit someone in the face (they usually occur simultaneously for me). Or maybe it’s the more familiar beast: that twisting in my stomach, my inability to concentrate and my craving for a cigarette… It’s been the rotating trio of emotions since March, comin’ back for me. The only way I can describe it further… it feels like sinking, kind of. Slow, inevitable sinking. But this time around, I don’t feel like I’m suffocating. Yay, progress! Seemingly serendipitously, “Sleeping Sickness” by City and Colour popped on my Pandora. Oh man, it was takin’ me back, back to my sleepless nights and near constant melancholy punctured by fits of crying and chain-smoking. I was breakin’ down then… but I’m not anymore. It wasn’t a distressful recollection. I cried because I was so happy, so relieved I didn’t feel that way all the time anymore. I still do sometimes, but those moments come as slight surprises… and they’re only moments! ohthankgod. I felt lost at sea for a long time there… but the wounds sutured themselves closed, the healing so subtle and slow it went almost unnoticed. I finally feel a little bit more like me. I’m still dramatic, I’ve still got road rage, I’m still an easy crier, but I feel like me again.

I was visiting Poofl this weekend. We were day-drunk off Bubba Keg, and posted up for $4 Yetis at one of her local haunts. She was lamenting how her workout schedule had fallen by the wayside recently. I was talking her up, giving her a couple of tips to ease back into it (as I had done a couple months ago myself). I stressed the need to look at the transition in baby steps, and how she needed to do some work to discover what workout style she enjoyed, whether that boiled down to going to a gym or just engaging in more active stuff in her free time: all the better to stick with it, my dear. She smiled widely, and caught my attention as I paused for breath (y’all know I’m a fast fucking talker). She said, “I just wanted to tell you that I feel like you’re finally back to that level of positivity… that bright, optimistic L’s that I know and love…. I missed you.” And we hugged so she could hide my blossoming tears from fellow patrons. ‘Cause she’s my bestie. Always will be. That song reminded me of how horrible, how hopeless I felt. It’s almost more beautiful now that I can see that L’s in my rear view mirror. With the windows rolled down, wind in my hair and a salty breeze caressing my face, I (literally) speed on. Onward and upward!

 

Current Jam: “Sleeping Sickness” City and Colour

I awoke only to find my lungs empty,
And through the night, so it seems I’m not breathing.
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be,
And I’m breaking down, I think I’m breaking down.

And I’m afraid to sleep because of what haunts me,
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I’ll never find the words to say which would completely explain
Just how I’m breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead,
But now it’s like the night is taking sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

I’ve become a simple souvenir of someone’s kill
And like the sea, I’m constantly changing from calm to ill
Madness fills my heart and soul, as if the great divide could swallow me whole

Oh, how I’m breaking down

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead,
But now it’s like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be this misery will suffice?

Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Someone come and, someone come and save my life
Could it be this misery will suffice.

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