So I have a friend. Her name is V, and she consistently has given me the best/worst/best again/worst again dating and relationship advice ever. Not only are her pearls of wisdom quirky, but they’re often oddly poignant. A self-proclaimed ‘kind of a dick’, she’s suffered her own hysterical fumbling through the dating world. Yet, she’s understanding of my inevitable screw-ups and is always ready with a light-hearted quip.
Scenario 1: Hitting on a guy that intimidates you
Me: *gushing about band huzband and how retarded I would be if I ever got to meet him* “haha, but knowing me I’ll get the opportunity and just stare at him dumbfounded, like… uhhhhh ….hai……. because clearly I’ve forgotten how to talk to dudes. Dammit V, I can’t even flirt properly anymore”
V: “It’s easy, just look deep into his eyes and ask him if he likes art… then, sexily eat a bugle.”
Scenario 2: Achieving Friend Zone with minimal mess
Me: *been on a couple of dates with a guy but not sure if I’m feeling it and feel bad because he’s been super fucking nice* “I feel like he might just be a friend, but I’m so fucking bad at having that conversation!”
V: “It’s simple, you just have to totally friend zone him with your next activity together. Like, if he calls and asks you out to dinner, you counter and say ‘You know what would be fun? Let’s go to Lake Ella and feed the ducks.'”
Scenario 3: dude that acts like he likes you lots, yet constantly brings up his determined singledom at the worst times.
Me: “He decides to tell me, unprompted and 4 days before I come up to move/see you/see him and get a piece, about how his family is tearing him a new one for what he calls his ‘anti-relationship ideals’, and how their viewpoints on lifestyle choices are somewhat ‘archaic’. This, days after he confesses that he spent a large portion of the vacation talking about me.” *deep sigh, brings fingers to forehead like kid from Dazed and Confused*
V: “Stop working and start drinking.”
Me: “Yes ma’am.” *promptly heads to the bar to drink beer and just so happens to get hit on by the bartender, a British dude and her roomie’s friend*
Those are just the highlights that I can recall right now… So, I’ve decided. V needs to share her unique viewpoints with the world. If you have a question for Miss V, simply leave us a comment, and she will gladly tend to your every emotional wound.
Current Jam: “Ruby Soho” Rancid