Depression manifests itself in a myriad of ways, in varying levels of intensity. Sometimes it’s utterly debilitating, sometimes it coasts through you, like a grey-blue water line, so still it looks like glass. Other times it just sits on your periphery, quietly reminding you that you perceive the outside world as a bit… duller, than the others. Put more simply, it’s gradations of numbness.
Today has been a, mostly, manageable version for me. It hides just behind my eyes; translucent, if a little itchy.
Several of my friendships here have crumbled. Many of the younger employees (the ones closer to my age) act strangely like the cool group in high school: they’ll talk to me individually, but in a pack they barely make eye contact or acknowledge anything I say in a social context. Either that, or the friendship is so new that it resembles a weak bud trying to escape the crack in the sidewalk, hardly worth watering. I feel undone, no grounding… just floating along for the next two weeks to a slightly nauseating feeling of weightlessness.
I’m going a little stir crazy here guys. I’ve got about 2 weeks left before my summer of change comes to a close, 2 weeks before I head on back to Tally and re-start my much-missed level of routine. 2 weeks still feels so far away when it’s as if my emotional walls are closing in on me. I’m getting too far into my own head. I’m rethinking so many of my relationships: what they mean, are they balanced, whether I’m missing something, some component that had previously escaped my attention. Some detail that would magically shed light upon what’s valuable and what’s a sham…
…fifty years from now I’ll still swear that it was this summer that gave me these furrowed brow wrinkles.
Current Jam: “Paranoia in B Major” Avett Brothers