Highs and Lows

This brain train began Thursday, 9/25:

I was a little tired this morning (read: had a date last night who gave me Breckenridge whiskey, and yes it was oh-so-smooth). I have a shift in the lab on campus for a few hours in the morning. Normally I make myself do homework because it’s so quiet there; but so far I haven’t gotten much done. I’ve been chugging coffee and water to try and get out of my sleepy haze. *Sigh* And so eventually I found myself looking through the plethora of FB posts over the summer under the guise of reminiscing, but secretly torturing myself because while Mr. Red has me blocked on FB (I drunkenly told him off about what I considered to be his… well.. stupid half-hearted attempts at feminism), I can still see all the adorbs comments from June through August… aw fudge. Only I didn’t say fudge just now…

An example:

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You can actually find that post here. Despite my butthurtness upon the discovery, I did make myself read it… because it seemed like a list I really needed at the moment. I needed those reminders… Not just to soften the blow of rejection, but for all the emotional troubs I’ve been having.

So I decided over this weekend as I re-connected with old friends in Gainesvegas to update the list. I’ve found so many other things (thanks, interwebs!) that I reach for now when I’m feeling sad. Even though I’m very pessimistic these days, I refuse to write the list of things I hate (with the exception of my pet peeves). I will keep trying to add to this list as much as I can…. dammit.

So, some things I look to when I’m feeling bummed:

  • All the Sassy Gay Friends before he started doing promos for Mio:
  • Barefoot Contessa Memes:

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  • The Cat Sail Fail Video:
  • Rob Fee’s tweet compilations for Mandatory (they make every Friday a little brighter):

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  • The song “MTA” by the Kingston Trio because it reminds me of my childhood… and also the nagging question: why didn’t his wife just put a nickel in the bag with his sandwich already?
  • Buzzfeed Biffl Vids because they are all so true:
  • My aunt’s words of wisdom when I’m feeling real down:Eloquently stated, as always.

Update, #cautiousoptimism: I’ve been off of my medication for about a week now, simply because of logistical trouble in getting to the doc to get my prescriptions refilled. I thought I’d have some major episodes to contend with, seeing as how I’ve been on some form of emotional controllant for years now… and yet, I’m still depressed, but my anxiety has never been lower. I’m still a little suspicious, sitting prepped for the onset of an attack, but… huh…

I was talking to my friend Randy, and he commented that I’ve been writing a lot of internally focused stuff lately (read: for a long ass time haha). I guess I’ve just been through an emotional arc of sorts, and maybe now, finally, it’s coming to a close. That’s kind of what it feels like… So I said to Randy, “Let me write my book. Then, I’ll turn external, I promise.” His face lit up in excitement, and told me, eloquently as always, “Go write your fucking book.”

Current Jams:

To a hopeless cause, I sold my soul
A romantic plastic piece of shit you can mold
Until I break into chokable pieces

-“I was a Prayer,” Alkaline Trio

There are things that used to make me laugh
But now they’re deeply buried in the past
I left them there so far away
Replaced my humor with my pain
I’ll be happy on the day it dies

-“Stupid Kid,” Alkaline Trio

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