Whoo boy, I am tired.
It’s been full steam ahead since the start of the semester. I’m taking amazing classes but they are intense as hell, and I did not adequately anticipate the workload. My weeks are chock full of homework and getting ahead so that my weekend plans (all of ’em, holy god) don’t throw a wrench into the school routine. So far it’s been working, but barely. I’m holding on by a shoestring, and it shows. I’m worn down.
I’m on day 1 of the weekly grind again, coming off of a biffl reunion in Tampa. It happened to concur with the annual Gasparilla parade, aka pirates and booze and booty and general shenanigans, of which there were plenty. I really needed some quality time with these guys, and words fail to express how grateful I am that we all got to see each other (it was the first time we had been in the same room, let alone the same town, since easily 2013).
It’s the aftermath that’s a bitch, really. Ed describes it as a kind of separation anxiety, when we all inevitably part ways, and I think that’s an apt description. Being around my best friends creates this bubble of comfort, a ring of respite from the challenges and the heaping mountain of stress that’s accumulating here in Tally. I couldn’t put words to the dread until we all sat over brunch and mimosas, late Sunday afternoon. I was having a freakin’ wonderful time, but there was this panicky twitch nagging the back of my mind. I was distracted by it for a bit, until Ed snapped me out of my reverie to ask what the hell was going on in my head?
I… I’m scared, man. I’m anxious and nervous and scared. I’m about to embark on another huge life change and it’s freaking me out. I’m about to graduate and be thrown back in the job market, of which I’ve watched from the sidelines for two years now (which is very unsettling for me; I’ve had a job since I was 16). I’m going to move to a different state and be more than a few hours’ drive from my closest allies. I’m planning on selling my car to cut back on expenses, and losing that very material level of independence definitely weirds me out. I relied on that car to protect me, steal me away and keep me sane. She got me out of Tally when I couldn’t be there any longer, she got me out of Gainesville for the same reasons. And it’s… it’s this place. I’m not happy here, I’m not comfortable. Though it’s not entirely Tally’s fault, my life since I’ve moved here has been so uprooted and unstable. I associate this town with heartbreak and loss and anxiety and depression, and I haven’t found enough to replace, to remotely fill those cavernous emotional holes. I take some solace in the thought that I’m better than I was… but to keep that volatility at bay is an ongoing battle. I control it well, compared to last year, but I still feel so liminal. I’m on the cusp of two intangible things, two states of being. I’m afraid of what parts of me will be left behind, and whether I’ll miss them. I keep waiting to recognize this person I am (becoming), but she’s weird, man. I don’t totally understand her….
Old me jumped into stuff feet first, inherent hope outshining doubt… and I’m just… not that way anymore… ugh, I don’t know. Even trying to unpack these myriad emotions is difficult. They fleet through my internal monologue and I struggle to keep a thought in my head as the brain train thrusts forward full-tilt, onto the corresponding web of connections any one cogitation unearths. I want whatever grief I have left inside me to run its course, already. I want to be able to focus…
I wouldn’t take it back, of course. As emotionally tender as I feel afterwards, I would never pass up the opportunity to catch up with the people that matter most in my life. I feel everything deeply, it’s a blessing and a curse, but I guess I’d rather take the bad with the great than wish to quell it. As my current squeeze observed so astutely: “You’re a slave to your passions, luv. It’s all for good times and the people you love. It’s never ill spent when that’s the case.”
It’s… *sigh*… it’s just one of those days, knowaddamean?
Current Jams: Two fold -“Stay with me” Sam Smith (side note: I loveloveLOVE me some Tom Petty. And I loved him even more when he, chill as always, responded to the ‘controversy’ surrounding Sam Smith’s jam and his own “Won’t Back Down.” Goddamn that man is amazing).
Also “Take me to Church” by Hozier, because it is fueling my melancholy in the most beautifully painful way …and because it reminds me of George Watsky: