Where’d I go just now?

Exactly. Also known as the full steam ahead feeling as I inevitably approach the end of the semester (and my degree! Holy shit!!) -> I graduate in 15 days, y’all…… O_o

So guyz, how’zzz it going? Eh, I’m ok. I should be working on the last presentation of my graduate career, but naturally I’m listless instead, and (extremely) easily distracted this morning. I’m not surprised, this is nothing new. I’ve always been quick to daydream, sluggish to concentrate. This proclivity of mine often frustrates me. I would get so much more accomplished if I could get out of the cerebral deep end. Though, on days like today, I’m kind of okay with it. I accept that I need days like this, days where I can let my thoughts leisurely swim,  stray from the shore and just float along.

A couple of things I’ve been wading through (to continue the painfully obvious water metaphors):

1) One of the reasons I can’t wait to get out of here is so I can remove the constant reminders of my bat-shit-crazy phase. It’s a pride thing, mostly. As I weave my way around this town I keep finding these mnemonic traces, causing me to recall how out-of-my-head I was for a little while there. I’m reminded of the people I met, people I dated, people who were no more than a casual encounter, and I’m annoyed. Because, dammit, y’all never met the real me. The real me is sooooo much cooler than that basketcase you saw. That being said:

2) I’m back to a version of myself that I recognize. Maybe even…. dare I say it? A better version of me? At least, a me that is healthier than I’ve been for years. Despite my stopover to procrastination station today, for the most part I am more focused than I have been in a long time. I have some clarity these days. I’ve been present in my class discussions, I’m finally building some substantial research, research that I could maybe present at a conference or even publish one day. I’m knocking my final presentations out of the freakin’ park. My favorite professor told me she was *squeal* so proud of me, and how far I’ve come as a scholar in just the past year. I even have a professor encouraging me to go after my PhD, a consideration I previously thought was out of my reach. I feel like I’m finally accomplishing something… that’s so cool…

So far, I like this “new” me… I like her enough to be motivated to keep moving forward, to keep going. F**k yeh.

current jam: “The Silence Between” Red City Radio

I don’t expect you to know what I mean
It’s not the notes you play it’s in the silence between
And I’m gonna be honest, I’m not too keen
Falling into my old routine
This time I’m gonna make a change for the better…

Hit the road as fast as I can
Standing still was never part of the plan
I just don’t feel like myself
I’m feeling stuck just like everyone else
I just feel more comfortable when I’m in constant motion…

A small piece of advice

Little known nugget of wisdom:

Top 3 times you should ask a woman if she’s wearing makeup in public:

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Exactly. There isn’t one. That question simultaneously infuriates me and cuts me deep, because of the intentionality behind it. It defies tact. It blithely attempts to hide beneath the upturned timbre indicative of an innocent query. But it’s not innocent, at all. It’s manipulative, it’s backhanded, and it’s mean. You don’t really want to know if she’s wearing makeup; you don’t actually genuinely care about the answer, who would? You want to expose something by commenting on it.

I think for many women, our makeup is our war paint. We use it for enhancement, true. We use to feel better about ourselves, true. But we also use it as a protective façade. We cannot escape the reality that we are inherently judged and valued by our appearance. Aphrodite wasn’t desired for her quick wit or sick discus throw. She was loved because she was hot.

Don’t get me wrong, men suffer the same injustice. We live in a hyper-visual society. Those six pack abs or perfectly thick beard you crave can be just as unattainable as the large doe eyes or mop of gorgeously curly tendrils I secretly fancy. So why not fight the dual spheres of judgment in solidarity? Or at least in silence, damn…

Current Jam: